To be on this planet at this time is a journey and a challenge that I had not expected. Except I guess that now, when I am met with yet another challenge, I can see the wheels turning in the story. I can see the fabric being woven of my own journey, that connects to so many others. My thread and theirs, creating an image of beaty that neither of us could imagine. And likely will not see the fullness of in this life. These piles of string, wound tight, knotting and weaving and ducking, pulling on one another. Every now and then we take a moment to peek at our lives, how they have knotted and woven and wound, and we can see a corner of beauty. The exquisite work of forces we cannot understand.
You are a spirit, in a body. Sometimes it seems like our spirits don’t settle into our bodies well. You may feel foreign in your body, like wearing an ill-fitting coat that you would have never chosen to wear. Your limbs may feel heavy while your spirit feels light, you may have limited mobility that does not match your spirit’s desire to dance, you may have difficult illnesses or chronic diseases that are contrary to your spirit’s zest for life. Your body may not be the gender you feel that you are. Your body may, at times, feel like it is betraying you.
I have felt this, especially at junctures of my journey where my body was being used, judged, growing, being disrespected, or being lovingly appreciated. I have often felt that my body is not the perfect embodiment of what my spirit wants to be. When I consider myself, even subconsciously, I look like someone else. All my life I have had an imagine of a woman in my mind that I felt was who I am, when what I saw in the mirror was an awkward twelve-year-old with crooked teeth, afraid to smile (which was her best and most beautiful feature). Or a nervous nineteen-year-old looking at her reflection with new scrutiny, after being told to lose weight to win the best roles. Or a swollen twenty-five-year-old pregnant with twins, face shaped like a full moon, feeling her defining features already being smoothed away by motherhood. Or a thirty-eight-year-old woman with settling laugh lines sitting at a crowded coffee shop, today, in a daily struggle with her body. What to give it, what to deny it, how to control it, how to heal it, how to love it. How to be fully herself in it.
Perhaps the woman I have been imagining is a face I knew well in a previous life. Or perhaps she is an imagined conglomerate of multiple embodiments of my self, my favorite parts and pieces of who I have been in every life. Because sometimes it truly is shocking to see the face I am wearing now in the mirror. Is this really what I look like? What others see? The only time my reflection feels right is when I see a picture of myself smiling with someone else, because then I can feel me. I can recognize my spirit in the image. Regardless, whoever the woman is that I expect to see in the mirror, I can feel myself getting closer to her. She is the embodiment of my authentic self, evolved to the fullness of what I have learned and experienced thus far. She is a healer, bold and confident, with the wisdom and grace of a hundred broken and healed hearts, and humility and empathy birthed from places of pain. Maybe I will never truly be her, this woman I have seen in my daydreams and the quiet parts of my mind since childhood, but I am revealing more of her with every year, every experience, every challenge, and every joy.
The journey to our authentic self is one of uncovering. We are not striving to transform into something beautiful and free, we are digging our already beautiful and free selves out of bondage. With each step we unlock and release trauma, giving ourselves time to create new neurological pathways for our brains, and energetic pathways in our bodies. We take down our protective walls, root out triggered responses, release dissociative and anxious energies, and reverse negative self-beliefs. Instead of feeling shame, we give gratitude and love to each of these abilities and tools, because once, they were what kept us safe. It is beautiful to realize that they are no longer needed, and that we can walk in the freedom of our own authenticity, brimming with the love we always knew was ours to feel and to give. Our bodies do not have to house our fears, our traumas, and the pain handed to us that was never ours to carry. While some of our experiences will leave scars, releasing the pain invites wisdom and empathy into its place.
While your spirit may never feel exactly at home in your body, it can feel at peace. You are perfectly full of beauty, freedom, authenticity, joy, love, and potential for a radically impactful life. It is all in there, and the journey you are on is uncovering the authentic you. Dissolving layers of protection, stuck energy, generational weights, traumatic experiences, negative beliefs, programmed fears, and the pain of not being seen, known, and loved, exactly as you are. There is a lot of terrible advice out there on how to reach ascension, how to release the heaviness of now, how to succeed and heal and grow. The reason this advice is terrible is because it usually gives you something else to do, instructions for "success" that provide more fuel for guilt and shame if you cannot fit it into your already full mind and life. You must Strive. Meditate. Do more self-care. Take up yoga. Work harder. Take this supplement. Buy this crystal. Drink this tea.
But I am telling you the opposite. You can just...surrender. Acknowledge that you are a soul on a journey, in a body and lifetime that has a lesson for you. The endless striving of this frenetic 21st century existence can be a distraction from you discovering your purpose and finding the healing you need to be able to embrace it. What if you threw away the current prescription for success and allow the river, the source and flow of all energy, to take you on your journey? What if that person you daydream of being: the hero, the visionary, the healer, the leader, the world-changer, the system reformer, the oppression-lifter- really is you? The authentic you, called to this timeline and this place and this life for a purpose. And that the best way to reveal your actual truest self and purpose is to stop striving for someone else's version of success, stop sacrificing your life for an oppressive society built on making you feel less than, and stop expecting healing to come from doing the latest health craze or buying the trending whatever. What if you did less. Sit with yourself. Hold hands with your love. Listen for the wind.
What if you let go of the steering wheel, and instead, put up your sail?
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